sometimes i wonder if i've done something wrong...

tonight i went to hang out with the family that i lived with last year... i love that family and don't visit near as much as i should... i'm averaging about once a month for a visit, which is horrible! i went tonight and hung out and talked in the boys' room with bethany... eventually micah came home (he's the oldest - about 10 months younger than me) and he had news...

he's proposing to his girlfriend next friday... insane... i had no idea that it was coming this fast, but evidently he's sure...

it was surprising and not surprising at the same time... he showed me the rings, which was exciting, i guess... the projected date is sometime next july... i am really happy for him... the two of them are really very good for each other... they come from similar family structures... kind of sheltered lives - although both of them would disagree... they have each travelled overseas, but seem to find their true comfort within the confines of their safe family structures... which is not wrong... it's just so not me... they were both home-schooled and come from conservative christian homes... they're kind of like the model christians... have always been involved... say the right things... and i'm sure they'll do great as a married couple... i am happy for them, and yet...

i can't help feeling that i've done something wrong... when i hear of others getting engaged and married, it makes me feel like i've made some tragic mistake or missed it... i couldn't be more happy right now... i'm thrilled about my upcoming move... and i really am wonderfully okay with being single... that's the truth... i've lied about that before... but this time, i'm really being honest... i don't think about it much... just every now and then - and it's usually a fleeting thought...

i'm not the perfect christian girl... i'm cynical in so many ways and have liberal ideas, sometimes... and want to be involved in ministry, not just be a pastor's wife, not just sitting on the sidelines... and so sometimes i think this is where i've messed up - if i would just be a perfect christian girl... conservative and ready to fit into some pre-designed box that a man has for me, then i'd be alright... but the thing is - that's not me... while talking to bethany tonight, i kind of came to the conclusion that i think that's what some men want... a pretty girl to fit into the box they've made complete with their ideas about what a wife should be... and once they aquire said bride, they can take her out to love on her and let her cook and clean for him and show her off and then stick her back in the box... that's not me at all... which may be the reason i'm still single... i want to be a partner, a helper, not a prize or a trophy... i want to be getting my hands dirty alongside my husband, not waiting at home dressed like donna reed...

there's a surprise party for them next week - when he will propose... i'm sure it will be a happy time for everyone... i know i'll stand there and smile and be excited for them... and i'll come home wondering if it's my fault that i'm single, knowing that it's not - and that it hasn't been the right time and may never be the right time... and i'll be okay with that... seriously... better than okay, even...